Endcliffe Park Cafe, where stunned witnesses gathered for hot tea and mutual solace
South Yorkshire Police say they are closing in on the Endcliffe Park snow-pornography ring that today left park visitors, many with small children, in shocked dismay. Some were too upset to speak to our man on the scene, Pulitzer winning Erica Deepthroat.
Tight-lipped and ashen faced, Deputy Chief Constable Jane Venison held a press conference this afternoon to appeal for calm and assure the public that arrests are imminent.
The day began with picture-book scenes as locals in warmwear and wellies headed for the park, drawn by its winter wonderland charms following heavy snow in the night. Some walked dogs. Some trailed toboggans. Some traded playful snowballs.
None had any inkling of the abominable spectacle in waiting.
Scenes of chilly enchantment, close to the Hunters Bar entrance …
… offered no warning of what lay ahead. Over to Sergeant Sam Sledge, head of Ice Vice at SYP.
In an exclusive with Steel City Scribblings, DS Sledge told of his “absolute” confidence that the culprits would soon be given “ample time to reflect on the error of their ways”.
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Third time I get the “Your comment was too short” treatment… so…., I meant to say :
Dammit, my laughing emojies were massively censored, EU style. 🙂
Tee hee
That will be a depiction of a modern woman, I presume.
The perps were released without charge when they claimed their sculpture was not snow-porn but “an artistic statement on the right of snowmen to self-identify as snow-women”.
In a further twist, parkgoers report seeing “Sledge is a snowflake” etched in blurry yellow on the whiteness, close to the crime scene. The case has been passed on from Ice Vice to Woke Squad. Word on the sleet is of dawn raids planned on the homes of known TERFs.
People in Sheffield needing the smelling salts over the full monty!
Surely not?
It would be a far better use of police time trying to catch the perps who nicked his costume. He’ll catch his death in this weather.
In the Full Monty, Robert Carlyle – one of the few non native actors to get the Sheffield accent right, btw – and his fellow strippers had modestly drooping as opposed to stiffly saluting todgers.
Locals are used to seeing erections in Endcliffe Park – but more commonly of the big top when the Moscow State Circus comes to town.