Waiting for Goddard’s

19 Dec

Purchased from local charity shop four days ago: one set of fish eaters; blades and forks, six of each, bunched and banded but not boxed.

Lack of box aside, there’s an obvious problem. These are at the dingy end of dinnerware.

Lesser men, chaps low in patience, would have raced out to Wilko to score a can of Silvo, sister to Brasso and worthy enough in its own modest way. But as this was to be a gift, only the best would cut it. I held out, ventured online and ordered what my extensive research revealed to be the quintessence of cutlery buffing cool.

I waited for Goddard’s, the silver polish that thinks big and thinks long term.

It arrived today by courier, bog roll not included.

Be prepared to be amazed.

The scene before Goddard:

The bottle is shook, a generous squirt applied to the t.roll. Best avoid getting the stuff on the person. It might look like calamine lotion but don’t be deceived by appearances. Gunk this potent will not be kind to man peel, least of all that scratched by K9 juvenile delinquent.

Rub in, rub up, rub off and – as if by magic – the scene is transformed.

Life has meaning once more.

Trolley in the turbot, Tulip!

OK, the bolsters need a little more attention – this was a two minute pass for demo purposes – but otherwise it’s night and day, chalk and cheese, and many other illustrious metaphors for Mon Goddards – quelle différence!

We salute you, Goddard’s Long Term Silver Polish!

Hang on a minute: isn’t Long Term Silver a Robert Louis Stevenson creation? I never knowed the bloke was Polish.


9 Replies to “Waiting for Goddard’s

  1. What about the old bicarbonate of soda and milk bottle tops trick – use ion exchange instead of elbow grease? or you could do an in depth comparison with my very old bottle of Silvo?

    Before elections – washing up and polishing the silver

    After elections – washing up and polishing the silver

    Used to be my job at home along with the brass coal scuttle!

    Good fun Phil – thanks

    • Paul, for all my immense and profound erudition on all matters that matter, I confess I hadn’t heard of the bicarb and bottle tops ploy.

      Sounds a cracking good wheeze. If anything comes close to Medicinal Compound, bicarb of s. is surely it. It stops gutters freezing, is good on cornflakes and a proven aphrodisiac. Unstainer of nicotined teeth, it is also – a little known fact, this – when bought in 2.5kg tubs at large Chinese supermarkets, ace for dealing with cat pee on carpets.

      Am considering a regular feature – Tableware: Top Tactics for Top Tacticians. Perhaps I could interest you in guest penning the occasion piece?

      As for the election, yeah, well ….

  2. What are you on Phil? the puns get worse…then again as a German poet observed bad jokes can be so good. I’m actually more impressed by the handles than the blades which are (probably) nickel silver and ripe for a makeover.

    • I have two remaining bottles of Mrs Winslow’s Soothing Syrup – circa 1908, when it still packed morphine to calm the distressed humanette (and, I’ll hazard, more than a few mums at wits’ ends) – bequeathed by my dear gran, who shuffled off this mortal call in 1972, aged ninety-nine.

      Didn’t do her much harm, did it? Nor her eldest daughter, my Aunt Cissie, presumed recipient of the stuff in infancy, who died in April 2008, a few weeks short of her one hundred and second birthday.

      I find small amounts – I’d love to glug in bigger spoonloads but this windfall from the dim and distant will not be easily replaced – an ace remedy for the blocked wordsmith. Without the dependable Mrs W, it’s quite conceivable I should not have been able to reach deep within to pen this award winning piece.

      As for the quality of the Blades, well, I was always an Owls man, hailing as I do from the HIllsborough side of Steel City. But I do respect the verdict of a fellow denizen of similar age to myself on matters cutlerian. Am I to understand that Antiques Road Show will not be greatly impressed?

  3. If genealogy comes into it, one side of my family did make cutlery which doesn’t mean I know anything about knives and forks. I probably inherited some of their prejudices concerning said tableware as well as an allegiance to Sheffield Wednesday. I bought a set of knives my relatives personally made on eBay from somebody in America which gave me a sizeable buzz. The question is why would you need a funny shaped knife to eat fish with and what else can you do with them? But I was really commenting on the ever more atrocious puns you like to deploy not your cutlery or recreational drugs. Up the Owls

    • Atrocious puns, moi? As Steel City Scribblings’ Chief Administrator (Legal Department) I’m a veritable fountain pun!

Leave a Reply to Paul H Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *